I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to truly, truly be able to find unconditional love and empathy for someone you can’t resent them or hold a grudge. Let me go back. I recently had a birthday, a big one. So I have been looking back and reflecting on the past, well, lots of years. Recently, I have noticed that my relationships have grown stronger. I am finding new connections with people I struggled with in the past. My mood and outlook have been more positive. I started to wonder why. Then it hit me. I have been able to let go of the feelings of ill will I was holding on to. So it got me wondering more generally, can we build a meaningful and genuine relationship with someone or find compassion for them if we resent them? What else can we gain by letting go? My answer to the first question was no, but to the second- a ton! I had to let go of my negative feelings in order to create the space for those positive ones and to build my relationships. I will admit, it took/takes work, reflection and is not easy to do.
I’ll give you an example. For many years I was bitter towards several people I felt prevented me from succeeding at work the way I wanted to. I held so much anger and resentment I was burning out and burning bridges. I was stuck and pretty miserable. I finally said, this is enough. At the suggestion of a life coach I wrote each of them a letter listing why I was angry at them and then forgiving them. Of course I never sent the letters; but when I was done, I felt that so much had been lifted from me. I could start to see their side of the situation. I could be compassionate. In that space of empathy my career flourished and I began to cultivate better relationships. I developed a deeper connection to myself and in turn was able to access more love and a greater spirituality. When I read this week’s Torah Portion, Vayigash, I was reminded of all that I had been through.
But before we get to this week’s parshah, let me catch you up on what you may have missed. In previous chapters, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers and ended up in Egypt. He rose from prisoner to Pharaoh’s #2. Joseph’s brothers heard about the rationing in Egypt and paid a visit to the royal court to see if they could get some food. They never suspected that the guy sitting in front of them hearing their plea was their brother. And I suppose that Joseph never figured he would see his family again, that he had closed the door on that possibility or desire. (I mean, he was successful, his dreams essentially had come true. He could have gone home and seen Jacob, or sent for him.) Yet there they were, the men who “ruined” his life and tried to kill him. Can you imagine how Joseph must have felt? If it were me, I think resentment, sadness and anger would come raging back as my initial reaction too. Maybe I would be thinking, now I can get even. So it seems that Joe actually was feeling a little passive aggressive towards his family. He promised them food and supplies but meanwhile imprisoned his youngest brother, just cuz he could. Not to punish Benjamin but the others who had destroyed life as he knew it. In other words, he held a grudge. He had no empathy for his family. I bet you can start to see where this is going.
Our story continues… This chapter opens with Judah, pleading with Joseph to release their brother before they returned to Canaan. See, he was afraid it would destroy their dad to lose his favorite son, again. He could have chosen to resent his father for not loving him equally, resent Benjamin for being the favorite. He could have held a grudge against his other brothers for making him the spokesman. Instead, he chose to let go of his hurt thinking not of himself and not only of Benjamin, but of Jacob and his needs as well. Joseph recognized his brother’s transformation and instead of holding his anger let his go too. By forgiving his brother he was able to rekindle love for his family and mend broken relationships. Joseph saw in him the ability to look beyond himself in a moment of hurting and need and desired to connect with him. Don’t you think the message here is that when we are able to be empathetic we make connections that one day may save our own lives? As a result of their willingness to let go Joseph and Judah were, literally, able to save themselves and fulfill Gd’s promise that they would become a great nation.
I already told you one way that I was able to start to let go of my resentment. The other way was through doing yoga. We hold resentment in our bodies as well as our minds. Past hurts, emotional and spiritual, hide in our tissues: muscles, ligaments and fascia, in a way that makes us stuck. We become tight and unable to move, unable to open. It is hard to think of others when you are in pain. The pelvis and hips are our main storage compartment for those grudges and resentments and other unpleasantries Our junk drawers as it were. I am pretty willing to bet that you have a junk drawer at home (I have one in every room). No one likes to clean out their junk drawer. We just stuff more stuff in there until we can’t even open it. Eventually, we need to empty it out or it spills in a way we can’t control. Similarly, we can just keep stuffing more stuff into our hips and pelvis but eventually we will develop physical limitations. As a urologist I deal with tons of patients with pelvic floor disorders and dysfunction. Guess what? They almost all say that by dealing with past hurts it helps their present symptoms. And, there is data to back that up.
So, you have probably guess by now that today we are going to clean our junk drawers and make space in our hips and pelvis. We want to make space for compassion and empathy by letting go of past hurts and resentments. During your practice you may experience discomfort, and not just physical. Be kind and compassionate to yourself first and acknowledge your sensations. Let them come without judging them and then let them go. By opening our pelvis and hips we also can feel more grounded, more creative and more free. As you reflect on this week’s parshah, I invite you to emulate Judah and Joseph and let go of those old thought patterns of negativity and allow love to flood back in and make connections with others and with God.